Volume 1, Episode III

SEPTEMBER 3, 2002

So I’m single and dateless now, and it’s been a while. I’m hoping it’s not the public’s reaction to my face, but I’m starting to wonder. I mean when was the last time your ass went unnoticed for like 7 fucking months! Okay, so I’m exaggerating (its been only a few months!), but if that’s what I have to do to get some sort of sympathy, than fuck it, I’ll do it (cause I am that shallow)! So I decided to write about the embarrassing, pathetic things I’ve done in my desperation to find lovin’. And I know some of you bitches will know what I’m talking about when reading this, but I’m the one in front of the camera-pathetic as it may be.

First Stop - Craigslist. I figure anyone can hide behind their computer and I can do what I want. But my god, there is some fucked up shit happening out there! Have you seen the Men for Men section? My god, if you wanna catch something or fuck a troll that is the place to be. I browsed and laughed my fucking ass off. Have you seen the ad for “Pies in the face”? It’s a guy that enjoys getting hit “specifically” with pies and likes the “sensation” and “mild humiliation” attached to it. And after almost shitting my self from laughing, I started craving banana crème pie…mmm.

Second Stop - Planet Out, Gay.com, Match.com. I’m not paying to find a date. Not yet at least. Lots of boys looking for dates but also a lot of guys I wouldn’t date, period. Plus, Planet Out is the most boring vanilla gay site ever and Gay.com seems to be filled with men looking for a quick cock up their ass. On second thought, online dating is not an option.

Third Stop - Parks. Parks are always full of cute boys laying about or walking their dogs. Unfortunately my love for dogs overshadows human conversation and that has failed me in my quest for a date. I may look crazy and stupid, but I tend to literally chase “tail” in parks and those tails are usually attached to tiny dogs. I’ll spend a few minutes petting them and telling them over and over how cute they are while their cute owner watches me-at first waiting for me to acknowledge them or ask him the pup’s name but after a few minutes their smile turns to horror when they realize I’m starting to tell the dog my problems or start to sniff its ass. Low and behold, that hasn’t worked and I’m back at square one.

Fourth Stop - Bars. You know it. You’ve done it. And if your anti-social like myself and just get drunk and hide in the corner, you probably already know, it’s a waste of time. It only makes me want to listen to How Soon Is Now and feel sorry for myself. Plus, I’m getting a fucking gut from all the beer.

Last Stop - Hopelessness. (aka home in front of the TV) So besides getting piss drunk, my favorite thing to do it stay at home and watch Lifetime Original Movies, reruns of Law & Order followed by the news and Elimidate. The positive side of this is that the TV, aka Kyle, never talks back and is always there when you need him. He’s entertaining and is oh so knowledgeable. If you’re bored you just find another channel. The negative side is that he is completely hopeless in doing anything fun or productive with a hard on. So far, Kyle has only played the voyeur to my ever-increasing solo sexual escapades.

So now that I’ve told you basically that I have no social skills outside of the internet and that I’m a total stalker, I’m pretty sure my situation won’t get any better. But who cares, not like anyone reads this column anyways.